Read …em and Live …em

How many books have your read that challenged, inspired and motivated you? Probably quite a few if you consider the sales of self-help and spiritual books in bookstores today. These books are bought with the best intentions and focused interest and often totally read, but then what happens? Often little or nothing. We want to make the changes, incorporate the ideas and fulfill our intentions for reading the book in the first place, then life intervenes and we maintain the status quo or return to the same patterns that moved us to read the book in the first place.Having experienced this myself more times than I can remember and coaching many others with similar experiences, I have learned there are some things that have to happen for us to not only get what these books are sharing but integrate these ideas and strategies into our lives. I call this “reading to living” and it is the power that these great books really hold for readers. Here are some tips for your personal “reading to living” success.1) Take your time in reading the book so that you can underline, comment, or mark important parts that really resonate with you.2) Have a system for setting up the ideas and strategies for application. I personally use a three star system where I mark ideas for their importance and usefulness. Then when I return to the book, these stars tell me where the important parts are that appealed to me in the first place. By labeling many of them, I can quickly determine which ones will help me with my current concern.3) If this sounds like studying the book, it is. Reading a self-help or spiritual book is nice but to live it, you are going to actively engage it. Choose a section or chapter or even a major idea and reflect on its application in your life. How could you use it to make a change or choice, or take an action? If you want to consider it more, write it in a journal or notebook and make comments on the page itself. Return to it again and reflect and consider it again.4) When a situation is a negative or disappointing experience, return to the book and thumb through it to a part that speaks to you ( it will) and reread it. That means that you need to keep the book near by or even carry it with you. I always have books around me for just this reason and that includes carrying them with me if there is any chance I will be doing some waiting.5) Finally, discuss the book, its concepts and strategies with others. This helps you consider them at a deeper level. In your sharing you will gain a better understanding and a possible deeper application. Discussing the book with someone who knows the book well and how to apply is even better.”Reading to Living” has become my favorite type of coaching where I collaborate with clients to apply some of the best books available that are true “life-changers.”There are some amazing books available today and new ones appear regularly. If you have some favorites that you have wanted to apply, follow the steps above and get back to them. If you want a partner than can speed up the process for you and especially the ease of application, contact me. I would love to coach you through them to help you make the profound impact they have made for me and many of my clients.Are you ready to stop collecting a great library and have a library that is rich and useful in your life? My library is and I hope these tips will get you started in changing your library to a “reading to living one” too.P.S. Some of my favorites and the ones I love to coach include: The Four Agreements including the new Fifth Agreement, The Power of Now, A New Earth, Loving What Is, The Book of Secrets, The Power of Intention, and others. Do you have one that you want us to go through together?

Nothing is Permanent

Last week while working with the University of Utah volleyball team in Las Vegas, I was involved in a traffic accident. In forty years of driving this was my first accident that I had caused. It was an interesting experience, not because it was new or surprising (it was that) but because of how I felt about it and especially as I think about it now.

First, it was an experience in the Zone, something I regularly talk about with athletes and performers. Within that few seconds I responded to what was happening with efficiency and clarity. For example, had I not turned the car away from the car coming at me, I could have been killed. Instead, the other driver hit me just behind the driver’s side of the car, sparing me from the direct force of the collision. Additionally, when I came to a stop up on the sidewalk, I found myself within two feet of a large utility pole which had I hit it directly could have killed me as well. Climbing out the other side of the car with only a bump on my head where I hit the side window, I felt relieved and fortunate. My wonderful car however, was totaled.

The second distinctive part of the experience was what happened next and later. As I moved through the process with the police, the insurance company (State Farm was fabulous and took care of it all so nicely), and the towing etc., I had a couple of hours to stand on a corner that appeared only to be frequented by the homeless. A couple blocks east of the Las Vegas strip, it was not a place I would have ever been spending time. All I could do was wait, answer questions, make phone calls, but mostly stand and look at my poor Maxine Maxima. After ten years together, I didn’t expect, plan or even consider that this is how it would end. It was more sad that anything and I grieved for the loss of Maxine. (You do have a name for your car,don’t you?)

Then and now I was reminded of the impermanence of everything. Yes, this was a car, but our relationships, our work, our environments; none of it is permanent. When we get attached to the permanence of it (an illusion), it is easy to live in fear of losing it, which inevitably we will. When we remember that nothing is permanent and fully accept that, we are free to enjoy, love, and appreciate it for however long it is in our experience. That is how I felt about Maxine and now I feel a small sense of loss but mostly just appreciation and gratitude.

I no longer have a car and I am totally OK with that. I have no plans to purchase one anytime soon because I can walk, ride my bike, or borrow a vehicle to get anywhere I need to go. Of course, I realize by working from my home that it is much easier for me. I feel a sense of calm and presence with where I am and have not even considered the “what if” of it or a “should” in any form. I haven’t been without a car since I was in college and it feels like that is where I am supposed to be.

This experience has been a confirmation at so many levels of being in the present, being grateful, trusting what happens and will happen, how our thoughts determine our experiences, and especially how little (if any) control we have over anything. This accident was not to teach me that but to remind me of that.

Next time you worry, fret or fear the loss of anything, remember that nothing is permanent and whatever happens is an opportunity for you to be present, be grateful, and join the flow. When we let go of attachment, we find freedom - it is that simple.

How the Mind Works

The mind is both my speciality and my curiosity. Nothing is more fascinating nor more powerful than the mind and how we use it to direct our lives and experiences. I continue to learn about it and share what I am learning in concepts and strategies that provide a more conscious and effective way of using the mind to make changes, improve performances, or heal our bodies. Currently, I am studying the newest research the effects of thought on cellular activity and especially the elasticity or capacity of the brain to change. More on that later. For now, I wanted to share my final Mind Tips newsletter message about how the mind works.

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After years of research, teaching and conversations, I have concluded there are three basics the mind always uses. Knowing how your mind works provides clues to why and how you are having your current experiences and how you can change your experiences in the future. Consider any challenge or problem you are facing, find what your mind is doing below and you will know how to use your mind to get a solution or resolution by either reversing what the mind is doing or using the same concept in a more effective way.

• A thought is a possibility with a repeated thought a probability, and a continuously felt and focused thought an inevitability. Thoughts matter. Think about what is wanted or not wanted and you will get.

• The mind cannot be controlled nor ignored. It is the center of operation for our feelings, behaviors, and choices. It can be taught, changed, and made a partner but only if you know what it is doing and what you want it to do.

• The mind relies on perception and the interpretations that follow to affirm or defend the mind’s reality and truth. Change the interpretations (beliefs, meanings, fears) and change automatically follows.

These are the three mind basics that are constant and consistent each day for each of us. How are they directing your experiences and how can you use them to expand or redirect those experiences?

Afraid of What? Common Unrealistic Fears

A popular book I read some years ago titled Who Moved My Cheese, asked a provocative question: “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” I have often asked this question of my clients and myself when we were looking to move forward in life. Being afraid is the biggest barrier we have to change, happiness, trust, success and most importantly experiencing our potential. What are we afraid of?Being afraid is a self-protecting response we use mentally to warn us of potential threats or danger. However, most of the time our fear does little more than provide evidence for false perceptions and confirmation for negativity in previous experiences or thoughts. As such it becomes the gatekeeper of our comfort zone. In our comfort zone is that which is familiar: dramatic relationships, routines or habits, assumptions, expectations, and limiting beliefs. Comfortably stuck in the same place we were yesterday, we want to believe today is new, yet we continue to be stuck repeating yesterday. Our comfort zone has a high cost: little forward movement, indifference to change, and distancing from our true self and the life we were intended to live.

What would you do if you were no longer afraid? Who would you be if your limitations were no longer self-imposed? What could you achieve if your actions came from who you really are rather than the person others want you to be? The answers to these questions and the secret to reducing or eliminating fear is always the same - action.
The first action is to embrace and accept your fears rather than avoid them. Accept that you are afraid for a reason; what is the reason? Ask yourself these questions:

• What would happen if I …?

• What do I want to happen next?

• What actions will get me what I want?

The second action is to change your language. Instead of describing the situation in terms of the past or the future, describe it to yourself and others in the present. For example, instead of “if I stand up for myself, I could lose my job, ” think of it instead as, “I deserve to be treated respectfully, I can find another job,”

The third action is to say it all out loud. When you hear yourself saying what you fear, it is much easier to see what you want and what to do. Saying it takes it out of unconscious feeling and into conscious awareness. A fear named and seen is a fear that can be acted upon.

The fourth action is to visualize yourself doing what you want. Most often you have visualized yourself being fearful or in the feared situation. That was the evidence that gave your fear legitimacy and power. Now by visualizing what you want and can do, the evidence shifts to supporting your desires that can motivate you into action. If you can visualize it, you can do it.

While it is the first reaction of the mind to be afraid to avoid taking risks, taking action to challenge and move past your fears gives you the freedom to be who you are and live your life based on possibilities and your potential. It is to live a life of love not fear

Common Unrealistic Fears

Being afraid is fed by some common unrealistic fears. Whatever your thoughts, perceptions, and interpretations of the day’s experiences, these unrealistic fears provide an uneasiness even when we are being successful and enjoying experiences. Are you afraid of…?

1. Not Being Good Enough - This is the number one fear for most people and requires a comparison to others to form a false standard of achievement we believe we have to reach. The reality is that you can only be your best, not someone else’s.

2. Being Weak – This one feeds our self-doubt by having us believe we are not strong enough to face challenges and conquer them. The reality is that you are strong and you can do anything if you give yourself permission to take risks.

3. Being Vulnerable – You have to trust other people’s opinions and judgments more than you know about yourself to have this fear. The reality is that no one can hurt you without this fear that they can and will.

4. Being Unlovable - Love is in the eye of the beholder. The reality is that if you find the people who appreciate you and love themselves, they will love you too. Oh, and that part about being lovable, you have love yourself first.

5. Failing – No action is the only way you can fail. Besides it is another comparison of what you should be able to do that is beyond your control. The reality is that if you act you will succeed at some level.

What makes these fears unrealistic? They are rarely based on facts and most often come from conditioning and perception. Keep your focus on what is real as indicated above and these fears will lose their grip on you.

Nine Ways to Enhance a Relationship and Three Ways to Destroy It

Our enjoyment and satisfaction with life and work is almost always grounded in the quality of our relationships with other people. Quality relationships are not easy to establish, maintain, or especially enhance. There are ways that are almost always effective for doing any of these and specific ways that can be very destructive. The best ten ways to improve quality of your relationship and the four ways to damage them follow. Try more than one and see how much your relationships go.1. Participate and give without expecting something in return. Expectations and assumptions gum up our interactions by blocking others and us from being authentic.

2. Be honest yet tactful. Respect what the other person needs to know and what they probably don’t want to know about you. Always tell the truth, but don’t offer what isn’t requested or permission given to provide. Consider that some things, especially quick judgments are often best left unsaid or until another time.

3. When communicating, listen to understand. What are they really saying in words, tone, and body language? It is easy to anticipate what someone means so we can formulate our response, but often we miss what is really being said and especially not said.

4. Know if you are motivated by need or love. Most romantic relationships begin with egoic needs and never progress past that. Loving someone is not about what they can do for us, it is about giving and sharing because you love them (see #1).

5. Lose the judgments. Judging creates a wedge in communications and poisons most relationships over time. It is another way to determine whether you need or love someone. Most judgment is needs based, yours, not theirs.

6. Give up the belief that you own another person’s attention, energy, or time. Relationships are not entitlements and if they become that, one or both people start to feel suffocated and eventually resentful. Relationships enhance and support by choice, not demand.

7. Respect the other person’s perspectives. Each person is a culmination of experiences, knowledge, and meanings that determine how they view themselves and their relationship with you. Neither of you are the same, nor will you ever be. Honor the differences and learn from their perspectives.

8. Let other people have their experiences. Don’t attempt to change, fix, or save another person. The most powerful relationships are based on mutually respecting each other and letting a person be who they are.

9. Stop taking everything so personally. Find out before you react. The Second Agreement in Toltec Wisdom explains that no matter what another person does or says, it is about them, not you. You only get to choose how to respond or not respond. Gather information and determine if you need to respond, do nothing, or offer support. (See #8 above)

… And Three Ways to Destroy It

Relationships become difficult and even impossible when you:

1. Judge and compare yourself to others. When we judge ourselves, we judge others to inform our comparisons and most of the time we come out on the short end of the stick. Often what we judge in others as unlikable or negative is just a reflection of what we see in ourselves. You can’t love someone you are judging because judgment and love are incompatible. Of course, that includes loving yourself.

2. Blame other people, especially those in your closest relationships, for your unhappiness or experiences. While others are clearly part of our relationships and we share experiences, the rest is up to us. No one is ever nor can they be responsible for your happiness; it is a fool’s errand, so to speak. Blame keeps us from choosing and especially changing. If you don’t like what is happening, you have the power to change your experience in the relationship, but not their experience.

3. Complain about efforts, actions, and choices of other people. It is an illusion that complaining about something or someone leads to change. Discomfort is the number one stimulus for change, but only if action is taken; complaining blocks action. Most importantly, complaining about another person brings in judging, blaming, and expectations that will only make both of you miserable and certainly won’t bring about change in them.

Developing, maintaining, and enhancing relationships is an ongoing process. Some of the ways listed above may be just what you need to move your relationships forward or even transform them. Best of all, your relationships could become more enjoyable, enriching, and complementary and isn’t that the point of having a relationship?

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Read …em and Live …em

Nothing is Permanent

How the Mind Works

Afraid of What? Common Unrealistic Fears

Nine Ways to Enhance a Relationship and Three Ways to Destroy It